An Obituary (sort of!)

I thought I’ve found the one I want to hold on to. I thought that I would be happy, by making you happy. Every single moment of my life in the last couple of years was dedicated to you. YOU. Then you dedicated your time to someone else, or at least looking for someone else. You admitted that to me and I was happy, didn’t think of me but of you, that finally you might be happy for a change. I thought you were happy and I will be able to make you happy, in spite of all differences that we have, ‘cos nobody’s perfect. The key to happiness is to find someone who will love you despite all the mistakes, who will be at your side when nobody wants to be. That gives life a purpose. A meaning. I guess I’ll always look for that purpose. Again. And Again.

I wanted you to be happy in life. No matter what happen to me, I will always try that. Some people will probably tell you to exploit that fact. Some people will probably tell me not to get exploited. In the end it does not matter. I tried so hard and got so far. We will survive, either with each other or separately. But will we be happy? Only time will tell.

If someday you want me to hold you in my arms and tell you everything’s gonna be alright, you know I will do just that. I will do anything for you, love is a decision to me and I chose to love you, in spite of anything. My love doesn't need a reason. If something unexpected happen and I get hurt by you, I might be devastated. But I will still love you. Because it’s YOU.

Will I find you in my solitude? Will you see me in another? We were looking for someone else. I know I'll find another. You'll find another. I'll never find you. You'll never find me. If we do, it will be us. Again.

And when we meet, Which I'm sure we will, All that was there, Will be there still
I'll let it pass, And hold my tongue, And you will think, That I've moved on.

I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender,
There will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be.

Memories return...

Late night. Happy fudges melts in your mouth. A quick note attached to your back. A small leg pull - either literally or metaphorically! Some urban legends. Sweet tickle, small teasing about height (or width!) or age. Metro ride. A backward journey. An innocent metro ride to the station in the opposite way! A rainbow of laughter about some innocent (or non-so-innocent!) joke. some silly comments. Some distant thoughts. A hustle made in the corner of a train station. A fine given for not buying the ticket at the correct place! A simple song at the back of your mind. Some silly thoughts to ponder. Some slip of tongue. Some pronounciation mistakes! A sudden change in your thoughts. A call at the middle of the night. A call at the middle of the day. A feeling not remotely known, yet so close to heart.

Like the distant waves, my thoughts will keep you awake in your sleep. Most people don't know what is in our subconscious mind, not sure if that's something somehow somewhere will come out. Maybe it would be too late then, but still it's worth knowing, worth waiting, worth sharing.

Memories return. Somewhere. Somehow. Some time. Some place.

It's not the cause. It's only the effect and how you deal with it.

There are moments where you just don't know what to do with the information that's available to you, and how to process it positively and how to make some sense out of it. There are moments when you feel so alone that you could reach out to sky for some company. There are moments when love is not in sight, faith is redundant and xenophobia sets in. There are moments when you might discontinue your love for someone, your trust for someone, your whole existence for someone. but do NOT know how to discontinue or neglect the bond, the affection that took so many years to develop, and you are torn up between what is illusion and what is real.

The love, the trust, the caring, the intimacy all can be destroyed in a second if you really want to, but not the bond, the affection that grows slowly. That one hurts really bad while you slowly try to dissipate; not because you want to, but because you have to, or you can NOT move on. Life goes on and if we can't tally with life's oscillation, we will be so far behind that we can't even see the ending line. It's not like you are unhappy 'cos deep inside you know its what you want for the someone else to be happy, no matter what happens to you.

It's not the cause. It's only the effect and how you deal with it.

Waiting?

Tired,
Sleepy,
Dreamy,
one more day passing away.
Aloof,
Indifferent,
Careless,
just like other 364 day?

Affection,
Love,
Understanding,
some adjectives with some meaning.
Distress,
Moody,
Stubbornness,
some more with lot mote sense.

This life, this night, this earth,
These people, this work, this holiday,
Could i care less?
Every people for himself,
Every raindrop is not as beautiful as dew,
There's nothing much to tell
but
I will wait for you.