Around Zion - a lonely cyclist


Thursday, November 5, 2009

This is a post-it thank you note to my life from me. Somehow I think you can relate it to you too..

Its my life, it might be boring sometimes, it might be dull, tired, happy, blissful, blank once in a while, or whatever contrasting adjectives can be applied here, ultimately i have realized that it IS my life and i have to make it interesting, the onus fall on me and me only. There is nobody else to blame if something goes wrong, there is only one person to give credit if everything goes right. My life might be devoid of emotion sometimes, might be flooded with emoticons sometimes or clouded with pollution once in a while, i am grateful that whatever super power (if he is there!) has given me this opportunity to spend time with my loved ones and i am not going to waste even a precious second to falter just because i am sad or not feeling exactly what happy people call "Euphoria".

Small things can make me happy, be it a little post it note in front of the fridge or a sweet nothing in my ear, or a simple thank you for something i have done. I think i have done something good in my life, because i stumbled in my life once in a while but it has been good as a whole. Life's obstacles has actually proven to be bliss to me so far, i have realized and set proper priority in both my professional and personal life and i have learned to ignore all the things i should be ignoring from the very beginning.

This is a post-it thank you note to my life from me. I am happy, but it's not like I'm euphoric. Maybe someday, maybe not, but i am not complaining. I have no regrets. I am me and I am indeed okay.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

An Obituary (sort of!)

I thought I’ve found the one I want to hold on to. I thought that I would be happy, by making you happy. Every single moment of my life in the last couple of years was dedicated to you. YOU. Then you dedicated your time to someone else, or at least looking for someone else. You admitted that to me and I was happy, didn’t think of me but of you, that finally you might be happy for a change. I thought you were happy and I will be able to make you happy, in spite of all differences that we have, ‘cos nobody’s perfect. The key to happiness is to find someone who will love you despite all the mistakes, who will be at your side when nobody wants to be. That gives life a purpose. A meaning. I guess I’ll always look for that purpose. Again. And Again.

I wanted you to be happy in life. No matter what happen to me, I will always try that. Some people will probably tell you to exploit that fact. Some people will probably tell me not to get exploited. In the end it does not matter. I tried so hard and got so far. We will survive, either with each other or separately. But will we be happy? Only time will tell.

If someday you want me to hold you in my arms and tell you everything’s gonna be alright, you know I will do just that. I will do anything for you, love is a decision to me and I chose to love you, in spite of anything. My love doesn't need a reason. If something unexpected happen and I get hurt by you, I might be devastated. But I will still love you. Because it’s YOU.

Will I find you in my solitude? Will you see me in another? We were looking for someone else. I know I'll find another. You'll find another. I'll never find you. You'll never find me. If we do, it will be us. Again.

And when we meet, Which I'm sure we will, All that was there, Will be there still
I'll let it pass, And hold my tongue, And you will think, That I've moved on.

I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender,
There will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Memories return...

Late night. Happy fudges melts in your mouth. A quick note attached to your back. A small leg pull - either literally or metaphorically! Some urban legends. Sweet tickle, small teasing about height (or width!) or age. Metro ride. A backward journey. An innocent metro ride to the station in the opposite way! A rainbow of laughter about some innocent (or non-so-innocent!) joke. some silly comments. Some distant thoughts. A hustle made in the corner of a train station. A fine given for not buying the ticket at the correct place! A simple song at the back of your mind. Some silly thoughts to ponder. Some slip of tongue. Some pronounciation mistakes! A sudden change in your thoughts. A call at the middle of the night. A call at the middle of the day. A feeling not remotely known, yet so close to heart.

Like the distant waves, my thoughts will keep you awake in your sleep. Most people don't know what is in our subconscious mind, not sure if that's something somehow somewhere will come out. Maybe it would be too late then, but still it's worth knowing, worth waiting, worth sharing.

Memories return. Somewhere. Somehow. Some time. Some place.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's not the cause. It's only the effect and how you deal with it.

There are moments where you just don't know what to do with the information that's available to you, and how to process it positively and how to make some sense out of it. There are moments when you feel so alone that you could reach out to sky for some company. There are moments when love is not in sight, faith is redundant and xenophobia sets in. There are moments when you might discontinue your love for someone, your trust for someone, your whole existence for someone. but do NOT know how to discontinue or neglect the bond, the affection that took so many years to develop, and you are torn up between what is illusion and what is real.

The love, the trust, the caring, the intimacy all can be destroyed in a second if you really want to, but not the bond, the affection that grows slowly. That one hurts really bad while you slowly try to dissipate; not because you want to, but because you have to, or you can NOT move on. Life goes on and if we can't tally with life's oscillation, we will be so far behind that we can't even see the ending line. It's not like you are unhappy 'cos deep inside you know its what you want for the someone else to be happy, no matter what happens to you.

It's not the cause. It's only the effect and how you deal with it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Money or Ice-cream - which is more important?

Yesterday I was crossing a footbridge between SaltLake and LakeTown and i saw an old lady with a kid lying in the pavement, asking for help. When i went to give her some money, she politely refused and explained that she's not begging for money, but the kid wanted to eat an ice-cream and she would be greatful if somebody can buy one ice-cream from the ice-cream truck nearby. I actually bought three and kept one for myself. They were so happy and I didn't know how exactly am I to depict my state of mind. In today's greedy world, where people thrive for money, they need more even though they have a lot, people misjudge friends and relatives for money, where there is money, there are 500 relatives, and here was an old lady who I'm sure need money desperately but didn't ask for anything. She was going to be happy with just one ice-cream for the kid! Do you call it an irony or an exception of the system? Maybe it is.

Wasn't a blog is supposed to be something which touched your heart? Am I so inappropiate in stapling this piece of paper in my blog? I don't know, maybe. Do I give a damn? Nope. Enough said Fred!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Just Another b'day in this paradise!

Two years ago I depicted my life @24, the complete blah-blog can be found here: Well, I am two years older now and when I look back at these two years, I try to think if I've really gained anything or lost everything? One thing for sure, i've learned to live without my most fav person in the whole world, but I've found my other most fav person whom I don't want to even loose for an hour - so yeah, i've gained something for sure!

Though I'm Still a quasi-optimist, i have stopped looking for a ray of hope which is scattered everywhere, not just because I've found one, but i know by now for sure that how to hold on to it for life. I care. I simply will care, and i will show it too. It does not matter what people think, i don't care about them anyway! I know i'm gonna spent the day with my family and that's all it matters to me. Most of us don't remember this small anecdotes anyway.

I still wanna live my way and lose my inhibition threshold.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

30 things i want to do before i turn 30....

I would want to :
30. First of all, make the list of thirty things i want to do - yes, this list i am talking about.
29. A trip to the extreme North Sikkim, India once more and this time no turning back at 17,150 feet anymore!
28. Decide to spend the rest of my humble life with someone I love and commit to it.
27. Go to Easter Island, Chille - my dreamplace for how long i don't even remember.
26. Visit a cemetary at night and spend some time alone there.
25. A trip to someplace near with my nephew and nieces - those who're very close to my heart.
24. Stay awake all night and do nothing.
23. Try not to think so much and just do whatever comes on the spur of the moment - at least for a day.
22. Find my dream-home.
21. Take a long drive to somewhere where no one knows two of us!
20. Ride a train, go somewhere without any destination and visit a place i know nothing of.
19. Buy a dog for our home.
18. Visit Agra to watch Taj-Mahal.
17. Teach how to drive a car to someone I love.
16. Learn how to make Lasagna.
15-1 : Find 15 more things to include in this list !!!
Now i realize at this point how lame is to create a list like this, where i can just do and not think or plan the list of doable things to be done before i turn 30 which is just 4 years from now! I am going offline now, see you in North Sikkim!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Kichhu bhalo lage na.....

Lost in the way I want to live clinging to him all my life.Life was so void,but still I never felt alone.Perhaps I was used to life like that-lonely and in my own little world;there was restricted admission for everyone but I don’t know why doors flew open for him,why my heart went out for him.Who was he?Any other ordinary person who maybe had passed by my side a hundred times in my life and I haven’t cared to give a side glance........why did he then sweep the earth from beneath my feet?Why did he turn everything upside down for me??......shobkichhu olotpalot kore dilo toh o.....ekebare elomelo......hothat asha kalbaishaki thik jemon hoi.......
Tabuo bhalo lage or sathe thakte sobshomoy........everyone says that the feeling is like that.....its makes u feel the real utopia in life.....
But lately things are not that sweet....the feeling of tiredness has creeped in....I have become too demanding and he is too tired living upto my huge expectations....I am blind without him in life.....sottei andhokar dekhi....jani na ki hoyechhe
I know he reciprocrates my feelings but I crave every moment for him......kichhu bhalo lagena oke chhara.....the colours of life fade in his absence.......this is becoming a dangerously possessive feeling for me......
I want him to be with everyone.......but I want him to be with me......I am confused.....I don’t really know what I want....I am going mad.....but he says he can’t lose everything on earth for me........he is true from his side.....but I still fail to understand....
Am I going mad?.....I ask myself.......yeah maybe.......I really don’t know.....what am I suffering from??......Am i becoming pshychic??

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Yet I never forget

And I went on in a crow-drenched afternoon,
towards a sleepness night, with no moon in sight,
felling grumpy like a just-awaken baby
after a long sleep & then nature is calling.

Still i go on, for what its worth
I don't have the faintest idea about

what's going on in my life right now,
excess happienss is something make you cripple,
like this?

Yet there's no realization
of own self-esteem where I can
know & see that
I've accompolished something worthwhile
That feeling is one of the most irritating feeling
a grown man can ever feel in his life.

I move on.
From endless horizon to dark walls.
Tired, discontent, hungry,

A hungry mind knows nothing but food.
Obesity is undefined in his dictionary.

Days go by but I'll never forget.