This is a post-it thank you note to my life from me. Somehow I think you can relate it to you too..

Its my life, it might be boring sometimes, it might be dull, tired, happy, blissful, blank once in a while, or whatever contrasting adjectives can be applied here, ultimately i have realized that it IS my life and i have to make it interesting, the onus fall on me and me only. There is nobody else to blame if something goes wrong, there is only one person to give credit if everything goes right. My life might be devoid of emotion sometimes, might be flooded with emoticons sometimes or clouded with pollution once in a while, i am grateful that whatever super power (if he is there!) has given me this opportunity to spend time with my loved ones and i am not going to waste even a precious second to falter just because i am sad or not feeling exactly what happy people call "Euphoria".

Small things can make me happy, be it a little post it note in front of the fridge or a sweet nothing in my ear, or a simple thank you for something i have done. I think i have done something good in my life, because i stumbled in my life once in a while but it has been good as a whole. Life's obstacles has actually proven to be bliss to me so far, i have realized and set proper priority in both my professional and personal life and i have learned to ignore all the things i should be ignoring from the very beginning.

This is a post-it thank you note to my life from me. I am happy, but it's not like I'm euphoric. Maybe someday, maybe not, but i am not complaining. I have no regrets. I am me and I am indeed okay.

An Obituary (sort of!)

I thought I’ve found the one I want to hold on to. I thought that I would be happy, by making you happy. Every single moment of my life in the last couple of years was dedicated to you. YOU. Then you dedicated your time to someone else, or at least looking for someone else. You admitted that to me and I was happy, didn’t think of me but of you, that finally you might be happy for a change. I thought you were happy and I will be able to make you happy, in spite of all differences that we have, ‘cos nobody’s perfect. The key to happiness is to find someone who will love you despite all the mistakes, who will be at your side when nobody wants to be. That gives life a purpose. A meaning. I guess I’ll always look for that purpose. Again. And Again.

I wanted you to be happy in life. No matter what happen to me, I will always try that. Some people will probably tell you to exploit that fact. Some people will probably tell me not to get exploited. In the end it does not matter. I tried so hard and got so far. We will survive, either with each other or separately. But will we be happy? Only time will tell.

If someday you want me to hold you in my arms and tell you everything’s gonna be alright, you know I will do just that. I will do anything for you, love is a decision to me and I chose to love you, in spite of anything. My love doesn't need a reason. If something unexpected happen and I get hurt by you, I might be devastated. But I will still love you. Because it’s YOU.

Will I find you in my solitude? Will you see me in another? We were looking for someone else. I know I'll find another. You'll find another. I'll never find you. You'll never find me. If we do, it will be us. Again.

And when we meet, Which I'm sure we will, All that was there, Will be there still
I'll let it pass, And hold my tongue, And you will think, That I've moved on.

I will go down with this ship, and I won't put my hands up and surrender,
There will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be.

Memories return...

Late night. Happy fudges melts in your mouth. A quick note attached to your back. A small leg pull - either literally or metaphorically! Some urban legends. Sweet tickle, small teasing about height (or width!) or age. Metro ride. A backward journey. An innocent metro ride to the station in the opposite way! A rainbow of laughter about some innocent (or non-so-innocent!) joke. some silly comments. Some distant thoughts. A hustle made in the corner of a train station. A fine given for not buying the ticket at the correct place! A simple song at the back of your mind. Some silly thoughts to ponder. Some slip of tongue. Some pronounciation mistakes! A sudden change in your thoughts. A call at the middle of the night. A call at the middle of the day. A feeling not remotely known, yet so close to heart.

Like the distant waves, my thoughts will keep you awake in your sleep. Most people don't know what is in our subconscious mind, not sure if that's something somehow somewhere will come out. Maybe it would be too late then, but still it's worth knowing, worth waiting, worth sharing.

Memories return. Somewhere. Somehow. Some time. Some place.

Just Another b'day in this paradise!

Two years ago I depicted my life @24, the complete blah-blog can be found here: http://around-zion.blogspot.com/2007/04/24-someone-in-blogosphere.html. Well, I am two years older now and when I look back at these two years, I try to think if I've really gained anything or lost everything? One thing for sure, i've learned to live without my most fav person in the whole world, but I've found my other most fav person whom I don't want to even loose for an hour - so yeah, i've gained something for sure!

Though I'm Still a quasi-optimist, i have stopped looking for a ray of hope which is scattered everywhere, not just because I've found one, but i know by now for sure that how to hold on to it for life. I care. I simply will care, and i will show it too. It does not matter what people think, i don't care about them anyway! I know i'm gonna spent the day with my family and that's all it matters to me. Most of us don't remember this small anecdotes anyway.

I still wanna live my way and lose my inhibition threshold.

30 things i want to do before i turn 30....

I would want to :
30. First of all, make the list of thirty things i want to do - yes, this list i am talking about.
29. A trip to the extreme North Sikkim, India once more and this time no turning back at 17,150 feet anymore!
28. Decide to spend the rest of my humble life with someone I love and commit to it.
27. Go to Easter Island, Chille - my dreamplace for how long i don't even remember.
26. Visit a cemetary at night and spend some time alone there.
25. A trip to someplace near with my nephew and nieces - those who're very close to my heart.
24. Stay awake all night and do nothing.
23. Try not to think so much and just do whatever comes on the spur of the moment - at least for a day.
22. Find my dream-home.
21. Take a long drive to somewhere where no one knows two of us!
20. Ride a train, go somewhere without any destination and visit a place i know nothing of.
19. Buy a dog for our home.
18. Visit Agra to watch Taj-Mahal.
17. Teach how to drive a car to someone I love.
16. Learn how to make Lasagna.
15-1 : Find 15 more things to include in this list !!!
Now i realize at this point how lame is to create a list like this, where i can just do and not think or plan the list of doable things to be done before i turn 30 which is just 4 years from now! I am going offline now, see you in North Sikkim!

Universe is small?

Last night i was outside of my apt,

and i was watching the up above to sky

and i thought,

how small our life is 

while i see some stars blinking that probably does not exists 

at this very moment 

anymore.

Our Universe, 

Milky Way, 

Our galaxy,

everything is infinite.

Even how much do we even know about

the unobservable universe,

beyond the reach of the strongest telescope in the world.

beyond the reach of the inter-galactic spaceships we built,

or will be building.

Isn't it fascinating and equally ironic to know that the light from the smallest, most redshifted galaxies originated maybe roughly 13 billion years ago,

while we ponder upon the memories from last year!

Talk about mathematical comparison between the two, huh?
and when i look at the event horizon at night,

i feel so relaxed and calm

unlike i used to feel 

when i was child 

and i used to look at the stars

and wondering 

what and where the hell am i looking at?

And if you start considering Multi verse,

how many this piece of crap 

exists elsewhere?

P.S: Its kinda obvious how small our earth is, if you consider the enitre (observable + Unobservable) Universe, the position of our earth is like this :

Universe -> Observable universe -> Large-scale structures -> Virgo Supercluster -> Local Group -> Milky Way Galaxy -> Orion Arm of the Milky Way -> Gould Belt -> Local Bubble -> Local Interstellar Cloud -> Solar System

 -> Earth

Weekend is baseless unless you spend it absolutely erratically!!

Weekend is the lost desert from your weekday's dinner.
Life is pointless if you planned your life during these time,
It's time for enjoyment of your heart to soul, both outer and inner.
Feeling of relaxed journey in your own way is worth not more than a dime.

I feel alive every weekend, and afterwards a zombie to be,
reincarnation such as this is boring but a must have for my life.
Pointless laziness is the point of having a weekend to me,
Haphazard erratic thoughts are the output of a weekendified life!

Weekend is baseless unless you spend it absolutely erratically!
Weekend is four-dimensional, time flies before you know it.
Weekend is beautiful if you looking though the window philosophically,
Weekend is romantic if you are spending it with someone distinct.

An Echo of this seems like Déjà vu all over again!


P.S: Well, this is just some realization, some retrospect in how i feel about life at weekend, did not able to cover all the aspect, its just a gist of gist of everybody's life. since i am writing it in weekend, i am becoming hypocrite in a some way - so more description might be available on a weekday's post!!

A funny way of looking at my life in a plagiarized music-maniac fashion!

I feel like Loosing myself (not like Eminem),
into the "High Hopes" of my peers.
Not a "Zombie" yet, but somehow it seems like "Comfortably numb".
I wanted to get out of "Cloud number nine",
to show everyone that "I'm alive!".
But i couldn't find "the reason" and now i'm "Crawling in the dark",

So "Here I am", this is me;
"The tide is turning" and the I am trying to “Coming back to life”,
So from now onwards I will be optimistic until “Evening falls”,
I will wait for “My December”,
And remember “All the things she said”;
But try the attitude of “Don’t worry, be happy”!

“In the end”, I will think about “My Immortal”,
I will try to feel the “gravity of love”.
Without it, “My life is for rent”, I feel so “numb”,
It’s a “Mad World” out there, and there are “No Apologies”.
Yet “nothing else matters”, because I have “my love”,
Only how I wish, how I “Wish you were here”.

Anti-Metrophobic

Friday Night
Music on
Fireplace lit
Sky full of stars,
Omnipotent personality
Plagiarism sets in
Go away.

Put some coat on,
Go outside
Feel rain in your skin
My love for you
is drenched,
Washed away,
like glass of water
in Atlantic ocean.

Satire is hyped,
Love is boring.
Genophobia is overrated,
Life sucks.
Cynical feeling
around Pink's wall
Go outside
Get a fucking life.

Black sky prevails
wonderful midnight
1 mile walk
its Saturday already
goodbye psychophobia,
grabbed a spoon
missing you

Life rebooted
waiting has began
sleeping time
insomnia is past
Dream on.
See you soon,
Are you awake?

A boring un-poem with more boring not-so-catchy title!

Procrastinating is something i am really good at,
I have been doing it for years now.
Commitment is something i used to fear the most; something very unlike of me,
Now i know that was one form procrastinating - a very serious kind.
Life is a journey where in each step you choose some form of commitment,
either you know it or you don't.

Friendly atmosphere is something i am always looking for,
Not particularly xenophobic though, still change is something i generally resist.
Self-proclaimed dreamer, this form of me worries about the unknown future,
not knowing that every moment can be transformed to ice-cream if you know the preparation.
Or you are screwed, royally!

Love is something i always thrived for; not knowing the ramification,
And whenever i find it, i realize i was not looking for it; rather it was looking for me,
feeling of love and care are how you refresh your memory from day-to-day dust,
Being in love is like being in a metro: a claustrophobic but comforting journey,
with unknown destination.

Contingency plan for this life...

Lets face it - life is a cruel, cynical joke in which we all get insulted in a humorous way. So it will not hurt to say that life has indeed a great sense of humor - its just that its dark humor, its black humor, its a dry sarcastic one which some people will not appreciate at all. Consider the facts for a while and you will know i am not being sarcastic here at all, most of us will always feel that life is not treating us well - grass is always greener on the other side. If you have money, you can buy anything but you can't buy satisfaction, unless you consider a big house, a Porsche and a huge bank balance even after these two is satisfaction, in which case there's no point reading this crap (which is crap anyway!) beyond this snippet!

Well said Fred! So what now? Where are we? Lets revise the plan "B" - the Contingency plan for this f#$@d up life, where everyone gets to do whatever they really want, not what they pretend they want. Pretending goes well with laxatives, unless you already proved to be a universally accepted fully certified unambiguous moron, in which case pretending is an allegorical euphemism for real commitment problem in every aspect of life. In our normal life we come across lots of such morons who only exists to complicate your life further. Big deal? In plan "B", lets eradicate them, not by actually killing them, bu overpowering themselves by making yourself a bigger moron! Everybody can be a pain in the rear end, its just need a erratic mind with a bizarre angle of vision. In our normal life we get hurt from the people we love. In plan "B", lets make sure that we choose people who will get hurt (i didn't mean physically!) while trying to hurt you. And if you choose the wonderful policy of "ignore the insults, remember the compliments", true heaven is indeed a place on earth.

And do u know what is the biggest plan ? Lazying, Procrastinating, bullshitting, laughing, living ur life to the fullest without worrying much about the contingency plan, if you are happy with the way you are, every plan is worth to have it. Let's forget planning and start living, shall we?

Hapazard thoughts coming from a tired mind.

I came back from office and find myself locked out outside - our apt key seems to be tired of working and thought of taking a "kitkat" break for an hour. So i was waiting outside - i was sitting in the staircase and was thinking about the bitch called life - my 25 year's funky life so far. Tired mind is a wonderful nest of bullshit thoughts and my not-so-young mind is certainly not an exception! Suddenly i wanted to compare my current life with the life back home - what would i have done if i locked myself outside like this and i knew that what exactly i could have done, at least 3 friends of mine in the neighborhood would have assumed what can be the result.

Its the sweet cool breeze of the lakes near my folk's place is what came to my mind - don't know why but suddenly i wished i was there, wondering around the entire neighborhood as i used to do. I wanted to take a break from this life for a moment and just thought of sitting in the school ground in my locality with a Bacardi breezer in hand, it seems that happiness can sometimes very very cheap, provided you have the capability to lower your expectations to the point which has already been satisfied!

i know what i need. i need a good night's sleep. But is that all? Maybe, Maybe not.

Resuming the social (or blogological) duties - Take One.

I will make a difference from now on. I will actually, finally, at last do what most people do – what the blog was all about – a web log – so to speak. Because I am too lazy to write something on hard paper? No. I do – just they are not public – not yet. But it is not only because I would love to read this crap after 5 years (I am optimistic about life and pessimistic about it’s counterpart-as you might notice!), it is also because It would give me some thinks to ponder upon, some idea to materialize while I listen to some pleasant music and have a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows on top! Boy ! Isn’t life just dull without the toppings (in each aspect)? Today is just a starter – its just the beginning. From now onwards I will bore you with the common mundane things of my life – our life, because without that I can’t spread the bad mood and as Calvin says; “Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around!” Enough intro – lets get down to business.

Today was just another day – so far. Mundane things at work, meeting, configuration, blaming, helping, stuff like that. Nothing special, nothing bad also. I walked from home to office – it was a nice cold and rainy morning – you would enjoy if you don’t have a heavy bag at your disposal! But again, if you don’t tire out, what’s the fun of walking ? Then in the evening when its time to do a bungy-jumping to home (and not to New Zealand), the road was covered with fog, like the morning’s rain was vaporizing; as inappropriate the comparison might sound, it was really breathtaking, I can assure you. Got enough spare time here, so finally I could resume my once-fav pastime of book-music-movies trio (I am just kidding – music was never out of the picture), I have become a member of the local library –they have awesome collections of book and DVDs also – though I am running out of DVDs more and more but still – its really worthwhile to occupy me whenever I feel, you know, depressed. There was one more thing which is to cheer me up – ice cream, but I haven’t tried that since I came here and yet I am surprisingly upbeat!

You know what’s really bug me? Calls late at night and they are not personal call at all. And yet the cruel irony is when the going gets tough – the tough gets going and if you really know me – the defense is the best offense for me because I am a vegetarian when it comes to hurting people, specially the ones I love. And now I am in my room – listening to Scorpion’s “Wind of Change” and thinking about the cruel irony – “is it really going to change at all? Where is the GOD who I don’t believe, give me some sign of snow – don’t you know its end of November? Am I really going to use the ice from the freezer to start a real good snowball flight? But to think about it, all the people who would really care about the snowball fight are so far away that the ball would melt before it reaches them – 1000 times !

Yet, I am surprisingly upbeat – you know why? I would be getting a laptop soon – bought (that is not technically correct, because the friend who paid for me – I am yet to pay him) and I am hoping it wouldn’t get lost in the morning traffic of New York City to Long Island! How small and mundane things to feel happy about it, isn’t it? But when you are homesick and you have alternative pleasant and rough day at your life and you know you have to smile because the worst is yet to come – paranoia is worse than feeling happy about minor composure. And see , they are making Dosa! I guess I will see you around in the blogosphere, maybe tomorrow, maybe not.

Aren’t you bored yet?

Poem: My Destination...

Another day has passed,
But I'm getting younger.
My heart can sense the unknown,
And my soul's getting stronger.

How can i depict
The ray of hope in the darkness?
Life is always uncertain,
every joy can bring sadness.

Still I cherish this moment,
Just another day in the paradise.
Don't know what tomorrow will bring,
After life rolls it's dice.

Another day has passed,
who is going to care,
nobody notices in this selfish world,
So this feeling I have no one to share.

Now I know what is loneliness,
But I feel it's nothing.
I can sense my destiny now,
My destination is my everything.

A Memoir...

Yet another day is gone,
Just the same old work to do,
Just the same old life to live.
Yet life is somehow different to me,
A feeling of emptiness has prevailed,
Are you the reason??
I hope not, ‘cos outside it’s the same,
At least that’s what I’m trying to show.
But deep down I know
I just need you.

So many memories, so much laughter,
Our life was a blast,
Now it’s a cliché, it’s somehow void,
Though I’m pretending that’s not true.
Life goes on; life takes away people you care about,
Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.
People come and people go, but…
No one can replace you.

Who can say where the road goes?
Who can say if there’s life after death?
I’m on my way pops, I have to be,
It’s just that…
I’m missing you...

The contrasting duo - Love and life.

Life is a road, nothing you do can block the passage of time.
Life is a journey, though we are confused about the destination.
Love is euphoria, a reason to be missed by the loved ones.
Love is nostalgia, memory remains even if it is not there.

Life is a feeling, sometimes ecstatic, mostly dystopia.
Life is a waterfall, only static and mortal.
Love is a disobedient criminal, waiting for his capital punishment.
Love is like euphemism, only there is nothing called vice-versa.

Life is full of love, only if you are intelligent enough to choose it.
Life is a garden of hope if you don't know the meaning of expectation.
Love is a paranoia, a music for sensual instrument.
Love is life's own way of preserving memories.

Life and Love are two side of the river.
Love is the screen behind the mirror of life.
Life is the epitome of the abstraction of the observable universe,
Love is just our Milky Way within it.

A 24 someone in the Blogosphere

Yes, i am 24 today. Yes, I am just a year behind for a quarter century! Big deal. This 24 is not 24 hours of my life (I am not Jack Bauer after all!) but 24 years, so If i start writing an autobiography, i might not be able to fit into this limited space. But most importantly, by the time i finish that nasty crap, it won't be my 24 birthday anymore, so i am postponing it for the future, let's say 48 (if i live that long!). If u know me then you should know that procrastination is one of the most favorite thing for me!

This day is somewhat different than the last 23 years of my life - a void - an empty space which i am not authorized to refill by whatever universal justice that controls the universe, at least i don't have any super power (what i know of). But otherwise how it is different from the last 23 years? Let me find out and maybe i will write a comparative study next year! Still being a quasi-optimist, i was looking for a ray of hope which is scattered everywhere, but i have realized that i just have to stop looking for it, then only i can find it. The best way to find something is to stop looking. Period.

What i have learned so far in my humble not-so-important-anyway life? When i write something, when i say something , i have learned that i have to be more careful, because of the YOYOW rule (You Own Your Own Words). I have learned to take responsibility for my own words. Part of my job now is also to take responsibility for other people's work, which i would hate to admit that I kinda like it! (as long as they don't screw it up, making me wanna eat their head!). All kidding aside, Some valuable lessons in life can't be taught, you just have to understand through your own course of actions. I know that. I have experienced that. Though i would say that experience is a marvelous thing that makes me recognize mistake when I repeat it. Probably that's why it's a common saying that never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new one to make! May be if I survive my 48th b'day, i will describe all the mistakes i have done in reverse chronological order! Till then - no big talk.

So, All i will be doing today is being myself - and that means lazying around the home, i will live my life - another day in the paradise (quite an euphemism it is , i guess!), i will do exactly what i do always - spread the plagiarism everywhere! I will do what i like to do - driving.

"City lights shine on the harbour,
Night has fallen down,
Through the darkness
And the shadow
I will still go on.

Long, long journey
Through the darkness,
Long, long way to go;
But what are miles
Across the ocean
To the heart that's coming home?" - - Long Long Journey, Enya (album: Amarantine)

But if i could do something i really wanted all along - i would just go for a long drive at the outskirt - just enjoy the scenic beauty of the event of horizon. I wanna live my way and lose my inhibition threshold. Instead i am sitting in front of the dumb terminal and writing this crap which nobody probably will even bother to read. Is that what they called "Blogadiction"?

I think. Therefore I know.